Monthly update

So, it is nearly a month since I have written any post.

And it is one year one month since I have started civils preparation after quitting my job. Now, what I have done in this last 13 months. Do I look back this entire year with satisfaction knowing that I have improved myself or do I need to do better? What about my preparation, my approach?

First, I can say, I have improved. Our sir told us that this preparation phase would change you. He was right, I couldn't exactly put down how I have changed, but I have changed. I am not talking about the maturity that one attains during the course of an year. Its about the changes in one's perceptions and understandings of his own country. He said one starts to appreciates things better. It really happened with me. Earlier, just like any youth, I was impatient. But now, even though I am not entirely okay with the country's progress or our state of affairs, conditions of poor, I wasn't going crazy about it. Its just knowing how the system works and accepting it, if it couldn't be made any better. Actually, its very difficult to pen down how my thinking or perceptions changed, but I can feel that. Having empathy for people's troubles now, whereas earlier I couldn't care less. Relating to every new development that I read in the newspaper, which in turn gives some feeling of knowing something about everything. You can only feel that feeling, when you know about something, people commenting passionately on the issue, you can involve in, tell your opinions.....Perhaps, it's very difficult to distinguish these subtle but significant differences in one's own personality and it is much more difficult to write them down without sounding like a phony.



Second, regarding preparation, I haven't really touched my full potential. I think, I could do much better. I say this because, I couldn't say with certainty that I finished reading at least half of the entire syllabus. Whatever topic I look back on, I find my preparation inadequate. May be that is partly due to the nature of the civil service examinations. The vast syllabus demands knowing something about all topics rather than mastering in those topics. Hence, I never read completely about one topic and instead just learnt the basic stuff. Plus revision of the topics that you have read is important and I hardly revised whatever I have read. Hence, I can not be sure even in the subjects that I have spent adequate time preparing. But it must be said, that I should have spent more time studying rather than watching sitcoms or playing FIFA on laptop.

Third, regarding my approach, I must say, I really didn't have a clear cut approach. My preparation is something like reading newspapers, ncert books & standard upsc books and stuff from internet. Pretty much that's it. Never have I looked at previous question papers to understand the nature of questions asked, never have I tested myself taking mock tests and the worst of it, I have never revised the stuff I read. But it's okay, at least now, I know how to proceed.

One important aspect of civils preparation often ignored is what an aspirant does or how an aspirant reacts to these break periods. Like, in june month, most of them would wait for prelims results or take a break from the exhaustion of preparing for prelims. Or once you have written Mains in December, you wouldn't exactly know what to do? Go back to home town and prepare for mains again, stay at the institute and join for coaching again or prepare for interview. Also, there is this feeling of frustration at the very nature of this examination. Long, indeed very long process running for one year to give just one attempt.

The very first day of our coaching, I remember our Sir also telling us, this preparation phase tells who you really are. I couldn't understand it at that time, but now I clearly see it. There are lot of questions going in one's mind. Should I try for some bank job and prepare? Is the decision, to quit IT job, try for civils and then give up in the middle and now settle for bank job, not foolish? Am I being too confident thinking that I am an IAS candidate or Am I being too paranoid worrying too much and giving up in the middle? Anyway, I guess, it is not just me, but for most others there would be such fears, not exactly the same fears, but variations of them. It is his attitude and how he handles those fears that matter a lot. And he comes to know himself better. Earlier, he wouldn't have to have to take such crucial decisions regarding his career but not now. Right now, I am in such a phase only, frustrated at my failed first attempt... I said 'failed' with regard to my Mains preparation. I know I wouldn't clear Mains. It is not from lack of confidence or such stuff, but I clearly know where I stand. So, what am I doing now? Reading Books. I have finished 'Audacity of Hope'. Now I am reading 'The Argumentative Indian' by Amartya Sen and just passing a lot of time watching stuff on TV.

When I have successfully traversed through this down period, I will start my 2nd innings with much more of everything, passion, determination, hard work and such stuff (experience too)....

Till then Adios...